A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it.

It's not the parts of the Bible I don't know that worries me...it's the parts that I do.

Man - a figment of God's imagination.

Hotels are the only proper places for lecturers. When I am ill-natured I so enjoy the freedom of a hotel where I can ring up a domestic and give him a quarter and then break furniture over him.

Manifestly, dying is nothing to a really great and brave man.

You may call a jay a bird. Well, so he is, in a measure--because he's got feathers on him, and don't belong to no church, perhaps;but otherwise he is just as much a human as you be. And I'll tell you for why. A jay's gifts and instincts, and feelings, and interests, cover the whole ground. A jay hasn't got any more principle than a Congressman.

I have only one moral precept; never smoke more than five cigars at a time.