Morals consist of political morals, commercial morals, ecclesiastical morals, and morals.

The true pioneer of civilization is not the newspaper, not religion, not the railroad - but whiskey!

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.

That's just the way: a person does a low-down thing, and then he don't want to take no consequences of it. Thinks as long as he can hide it, it ain't no disgrace.

Man is the Reasoning Animal. Such is the claim. I think it is open to dispute. Indeed, my experiments have proven to me that he is the Unreasoning Animal... In truth, man is incurably foolish. Simple things which the other animals easily learn, he is incapable of learning. Among my experiments was this. In an hour I taught a cat and a dog to be friends. I put them in a cage. In another hour I taught them to be friends with a rabbit. In the course of two days I was able to add a fox, a goose, a squirrel and some doves. Finally a monkey. They lived together in peace; even affectionately.

How far we travel in life matters far less than those we meet along the way.

Some of the worst things in my life never even happened.