Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you.

Consider the average intelligence of the common man, then realize 50% are even stupider.

Jim said that bees won't sting idiots, but I didn't believe that, because I tried them lots of times myself and they wouldn't sting me.

My advice to girls: first, don't smoke - to excess; second, don't drink - to excess; third, don't marry - to excess.

The universal brotherhood of man is our most precious possession.

Ah, that shows you the power of music, that magician of magician, who lifts his wand and says his mysterious word and all things real pass away and the phantoms of your mind walk before you clothed in flesh.

I hate editors, for they make me abandon a lot of perfectly good English words.