Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

Now I can only pray that there may be a God -- and a heaven -- or something better.

A man with a hump-backed uncle mustn't make fun of another man's cross-eyed aunt

I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting.