[I] shall never use profanity except in discussing house rent and taxes. Indeed, upon second thought, I will not use it then, for it is unchristian, inelegant, and degrading--though to speak truly I do not see how house rent and taxes are going to be discussed worth a cent without it.

You take the lies out of him, and he'll shrink to the size of your hat; you take the malice out of him, and he'll disappear.

The only very marked difference between the average civilized man and the average savage is that the one is gilded and the other is painted.

Always tell the truth; then you don't have to remember anything

The difference between fiction and nonfiction is that fiction must be absolutely believable.

Whatever thing men call great, look for it in Joan of Arc, and there you will find it.

You can't keep a juvenile moral institution alive on two displays of its sash per year.