When I want to read something nice, I sit down and write it myself.
Never miss an opportunity to shut up.
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
I could forgive the boy, now, if he'd committed a million sins!
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
If a person offends you, and you are in doubt as to whether it was intentional or not, do not resort to extreme measures; simply watch your chance, and hit him with a brick.