I'm not going to stop torturing myself till I figure out the cause of my pain.

Your cable television is experiencing difficulties. Please do not panic. Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones. Do not attempt sexual relations, as years of TV radiation have left your genitals withered and useless.

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

I like the 'Simpsons' pinball machines. Those are pretty great.

I always thought that television was the way to go in my goal to invade pop culture because it got to towns in which there were no bookstores. That's how I used to think of it: How do I reach kids who not only don't read but probably have no access to much in the way of books?

Keep your expectations tiny you'll go through life not so whiney.

Everybody doesn't have to get every joke. People really appreciate not being condescended to.