I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.

Part of the fun of being alive is knowing that you're annoying the hell out of someone else.

The tendency in comedy is to have a character who's stupid get more stupid, because you're trying to top yourself and not just repeat.

I think people who work in comedy and humor are hesitant to analyze it too much, because you feel like if you take it apart, you'll break it and not be able to put it back together again.

Of course I’ve gone mad with power! Have you ever tried going mad without power? It’s boring and no one listens to you! — Russ Cargill

Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well ... all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky starts we don't live in Paraguay!