I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.

Anxiety and hostility seem to be a great part of good and bad humor. Examining humor too closely does seem to destroy it.

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

I went through a phase where people would introduce me at parties as a cartoonist, and everybody felt sorry for me. 'Oh, Matt's a cartoonist.' Then people further feeling sorry for me would ask me to draw Garfield. Because I'm a cartoonist, draw Snoopy or Garfield or something.

I'm presently incarcerated. Convicted of a crime I didn't even commit. Hah! "Attempted murder"? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry? Do they?

Did you hear something?" "No." "Did I hear something?" "...I don't know.

Families are about love overcoming emotional torture.