I was always frightened by taverns. They just seemed like very unpleasant places to go.

It's just hard not to listen to TV: it's spent so much more time raising us than parents have.

I always say that 'Futurama' is real, and 'The Simpsons' is fiction.

Everybody is clever, just in their own ways

You know, I've been thinking. Everyone makes peanut butter and jelly sandwiches but usually the jelly drips out all over the side and the guy's hands get all sticky. But your jelly stays right in the middle where it's supposed to. I don't know how you do it? You just got a gift, I guess. I've always thought so. I've just never mentioned it. But it's time you knew how I feel. I don't believe in keeping feelings bottled up. Goodbye, my wife.

American culture has a lot of great moustaches in its history. Mark Twain had a great moustache, Charlie Chaplin, Ben Turpin ... but Zappa, he's got the best moustache in American history. Got the moustache, right, and he's got that little thing on his chin, I think it's called an imperial, that is, like, the coolest thing. That's like one of the great icons of the twentieth century.

One of the great things about the Internet is that you can read what everybody has to say about everything. It is fascinating to me, the critiques about humor by people who have no sense of humor.