Your cable television is experiencing difficulties. Please do not panic. Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones. Do not attempt sexual relations, as years of TV radiation have left your genitals withered and useless.

Masturbation is nothing to be ashamed of. It's nothing to be particularly proud of, either.

Ned, have you considered any of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same.

The entire world of grown-ups is corrupt and stupid.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try.' Homer Simpson

America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well ... all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky starts we don't live in Paraguay!

I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming.