If people only knew how much I secretly hated them, they'd love me for holding it in.

The next time you are contemplating a decision in which you are debating whether or not to go for the gusto, ask yourself this important question: "How long am I going to be dead?" With that perspective, you can now make a free, fearless choice to do just about any goddamned sneaky thing your devious little mind can think up. Go ahead. Have your fun. You're welcome. Go on. See you in hell.

Anxiety and hostility seem to be a great part of good and bad humor. Examining humor too closely does seem to destroy it.

When you're as important as I am, getting your feelings hurt by me is almost an honor.

Sometimes people try to read into my strip and find out what my state of mind is. And I can say if I'm in a good mood, generally the comic strip starts out in a good mood, but the punchline is very negative and sour.

Everybody doesn't have to get every joke. People really appreciate not being condescended to.

Do my worst, eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons." --Mr. Burns