The thing that makes me happiest about Simpsons Illustrated are all the drawings that we get from readers. I wish we could print them all. They're really imaginative. They show a lot of hard work.

I was always frightened by taverns. They just seemed like very unpleasant places to go.

English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England.

When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.

Humor does depend on surprise, and the things that people remember as the funniest things in the world, you look at later and you go, "What? What was that all about?"

Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

Let's face it, all the good stuff happens after midnight.