They say that women like a man who can make them laugh, and I find that if you can make a woman laugh on the first and second dates, then you're doing well.

There's nothing better than a world where everybody's just trying to make each other laugh.

I got sober because I was worried I was going to die next year.

The funniest thing is when somebody says "Look I've no idea who you are but my friend said you are on a show and I just wanted to introduce myself" you know that they are lying! Those people can just get out of my way.

I've just found out there are pages on the internet dedicated to whether I'm gay or not.

I know Chandler is similar to me. But if you watched my life for a week, there would be many more boring parts.

I would like you all to give me a round of applause as I have not crashed my car in over 15 months.