Women always think that I'm Chandler, so if I don't joke around for half an hour they think that something's wrong. Then I explain that I don't have comedy writers scripting everything I'm saying at this particular dinner.

Like, my house has a nice view, because, you know, I was on 'Friends.'

If I could walk into the 'Friends' audition again and go or not go, I have to say it's 50-50.

Nine times out of 10, women don't want to fix a problem, they just want to be understood. I'll never get that.

To me, writing is remembering something funny that happened, or maybe something I said seven years ago.

I'm a sensitive guy. If you are a woman and you're in any kind of emotional duress and you write a song about it, I'll buy you album.

The key to sitcom success is miserable people. If you see a happy couple, it's just gone, like when Sam and Diane got together on Cheers.