Being an author means, almost by definition, that you make up characters and then complicate their lives. That's it, really. You make up characters and give them problem after problem after problem.

Were you playing with Stuart?" she asked. The question was loaded. I was a filthy, filthy woman, and even the five-year-old knew it.

Braiiinnnnssss," we said in unison. "It's both sad and incredibly impressive that you were all ready with that one.

You can never visit the same place twice. Each time, it's a different story. By the very act of coming back, you wipe out what came before.

Go see old virgins! Now ask a strange boy out, you shy, Retarded thing!

I still have a whopping bad case of what you call scag magnetism. I thought i had gotten rid of it there, but it looks like scary guys still materialize from thin air in my presence. They are drawn to me. I am the North Pole, and they are the explorers of love.

What tinfoil?" he asked.