Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

I lay there in my black slip dress and wondered if I ought to have worn pants. I mean, who knew what I was going to find up there? What if I had to do some climbing? People might see my underwear.

God, what if TMZ got hold of the truth about me? What a liar I am, I mean? What kind of role model am I? I make Vanessa Hudgens look like Mother Freaking Teresa. Minus the whole nudity thing. Because I'm not about to take naked photos of myself and send them to my boyfriend.

Unrequited love is all right in books and things, but in real life, it completely sucks

Oh, Jason, I couldn't get my locker open...I know, I tried twisting it right, then left, but it wouldn't budge. I guess I'm just not strong enough. Could you help me? Please? Oh, great. Oh, Jason, you're so strong... Seriously? That was me now? On the other hand , a guy was following me.

Have you tried this shrimp? It's freaking amazing. Would you get away from me? I hate you. You're so moody. Just because I kidnapped you and tried to force you to be my girlfriend. I thought you would be over that by now.

I love jezebel.com for the latest on fashion, style, and celebrity gossip. I also love gawker.com for New York celebrity sightings, and galleycat.com and trashionista.com for book news.