You know," I said, holding my ground. "I gotta tell you. The goatee thing? Yeah, way over. And you know a little jewelry really does go a long way. Just something you might want to consider. I'm actually glad you stopped by, because I have a couple things I've been meaning to say to you. Number one, about your wife? Yeah, she's a skank. And number two, you know that whole thing where you killed Jesse and then buried his remains out back there? Yeah, way un-cool.

If the guy likes/loves you, he won't care if you are a good kisser or not. He should like you for what you are - not how you kiss.

It's what's known as an origin myth. What happened to me? That's no myth.

I swear, sometimes I am convinced my life is just a series of sketches for America's Funniest Home Videos, minus all that pants-dropping business. Except my life really isn't all that funny if you think about it.

My family, theyre story tellers. My mom is Irish, and my dad is Italian. In my family, we werent allowed to watch TV while we ate - we had to sit around the table and tell stories about our day.

Zach had rushed down to rescue me without remembering to put a shirt on...Maybe I had died and gone to heaven.

I have nothing against Sean Penn. I don't even mind that he ended up divorcing Madonna. I mean, I still like Shia LaBeouf even though he chose to star in Transformers, which turned out to be a movie about robots from space. That Talk. Which is just as bad as choosing to divorce Madonna, if you ask me