There is no word for feeling nostalgic about the future, but that's what a parent's tears often are, a nostalgia for something that has not yet occurred. They are the pain of hope, the helplessness of hope, and finally, the surrender to hope.

I feel no obligation to teach my readers anything, to impart any sort of wisdom, to teach any sort of lesson, to instill any sort of morality. All I'm trying to do is make them and their parents laugh.

Twitter is about creating whatever persona you want to create and either sticking with it or changing it or evolving it or contradicting it, and I've done all that stuff.

I can be a snarky Asshole, or I can be sort of mentally impaired. It's very hard for me to just be normal human being.

Kids love to be silly, they love to laugh, so I think it was natural for my kids to like the sort of books that I write - and it's the only kinds of books I'm capable of writing.

The things I care about are the most pedestrian things in the world. I care about good ice cream and being a good dad and a decent husband.

The Atkins' diet is where you eat bacon for six or seven months...and the end result is that you lose weight. Because you're dead.