I have a great job writing for “The Office,” but, really, all television writers do is dream of one day writing movies. I’ll put it this way: At the Oscars the most famous person in the room is, like, Angelina Jolie. At the Emmys the huge exciting celebrity is Bethenny Frankel. You get what I mean.

I would rather have someone read my diary than look at my iPod playlists.

I want a schedule-keeping, waking-up-early, wallet-carrying, picture-hanging man. I don't care if he takes prescription drugs for cholesterol or hair loss.

Live performance really terrifies me. I haven't done it, really, in years. I think that's why I retired from my brief career in stand-up.

Nothing gives you confidence like being a member of a small, weirdly specific, hard-to-find demographic.

My relationship with my mom is really the single most profound relationship that I've ever had in my life.

Albums that remind me of my childhood happiness make me incredibly sad now.