I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

Earlier I`ve done hatever I could get my hands on to do for a living. I tried a couple of different things, but kitchen work was the best for me, because I took to a nomadic lifestyle before I started doing comedy. If you travel and get to a town and need a job, restaurants are always there.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!

People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.