I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.

Then let's print up some flyers!

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it's cheddar. It's the only cheese you can bite and miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese on it?" "Every now and then!"

You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once."

I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, "you'll have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity! You don't know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.