People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. "Sir, you forgot this." "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it."

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"

Stand-up is an art but since it's humor and it's funny - a lot of guys that don't think it's art are probably coming from the angle that they don't want to take it so seriously. I've always looked at it as an art but I don't look at it as a pretentious art. I understand it has to be taken lightly because it is just comedy in the end, but the good stand-up comics are someone with something to say.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?