People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.

Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!

If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number, but often they'll use too many letters? "Call 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Brand-New-Carpeting." Too many letters, man, must I dial them all? "Hello? Hold on, man, I'm only on 'Enjoy.' How did you know I was calling? You're good, I can see why they hired you!"

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.