In city rooms and in the bars where newspeople drink, you can find out what's going on. You can't find it in the papers.

I don't so much mind that newspapers are dying - it's watching them commit suicide that pisses me off.

As I have pointed out time and again, it's a hell of a lot cheaper to send little kids to school than it is to let them grow up into young thugs who have to be sent to prison, not to mention the savings in the wear and tear on the nerves, property, and safety of the rest of the citizenry.

Behind a smoke screen of high-profile female appointees and soothing slogans, George W. Bush is waging war on women.

Many a time freedom has been rolled back - and always for the same sorry reason: fear.

Havin' fun while freedom fightin' must be one of those lunatic Texas traits we get from the water - which is known to have lithium in it - because it goes all the way back to Sam Houston, surely the most lovable, the most human, and the funniest of all the great men this country has ever produced.

I am not anti-gun. I'm pro-knife. Consider the merits of the knife. In the first place, you have to catch up with someone in order to stab him. A general substitution of knives for guns would promote physical fitness. We'd turn into a whole nation of great runners. Plus, knives don't ricochet. And people are seldom killed while cleaning their knives.