I love living. I have some problems with my life, but living is the best thing they've come up with so far.

Gee, what a terrific party. Later on we'll get some fluid and embalm each other.

There are two million interesting people in New York and only seventy-eight in Los Angeles.

I don’t like writing for comedians. I like writing for actors. The best comedians are the best actors.

Once you start compromising your thoughts, you're a candidate for mediocrity.

I feel like writing about a time when I was probably, and think all of us are, the happiest before the obligations start in.

You must realize that honorary degrees are given generally to people whose SAT scores were too low to get them into schools the regular way. As a matter of fact, it was my SAT scores that led me into my present vocation in life, comedy.