I got brown sandwiches and green sandwiches. Its either very new cheese or very old meat. - Oscar Madison, from The Odd Couple

The body of a young woman is God's greatest achievement...Of course, He could have built it to last longer but you can't have everything.

You must realize that honorary degrees are given generally to people whose SAT scores were too low to get them into schools the regular way. As a matter of fact, it was my SAT scores that led me into my present vocation in life, comedy.

All humor is based on hostility - that's why World War Two was funny.

How long do you want to wait until you start enjoying life? When you're sixty-five you get social security.

I feel like writing about a time when I was probably, and think all of us are, the happiest before the obligations start in.

I firmly believe that if you follow a path that interests you, not to the exclusion of love, sensitivity, and cooperation with others, but with the strength of conviction that you can move others by your own efforts, and do not make success or failure the criteria by which you live, the chances are you'll be a person worthy of your own respects.