I got brown sandwiches and green sandwiches. Its either very new cheese or very old meat. - Oscar Madison, from The Odd Couple

The first book was my first attempt at writing full-length prose.

You must realize that honorary degrees are given generally to people whose SAT scores were too low to get them into schools the regular way. As a matter of fact, it was my SAT scores that led me into my present vocation in life, comedy.

It looks different when you're sober; I thought I had twice as much furniture.

The body of a young woman is God's greatest achievement...Of course, He could have built it to last longer but you can't have everything.

Sudden money is going from zero to two hundred dollars a week. The rest doesn't count.

All humor is based on hostility - that's why World War Two was funny.