You know what’s really good is a greyhound in the shower.

I have a wife and anything. That's the arrangement we have. I have a wife, and she's cool. And also I have anything I want.

The other day I walked in on my roommate while I was masturbating.

You need to update your blog a couple of times a week. You need to post a Twitter here and there. It feels so dumb to say that stuff, but it's important for me to keep that presence going.

Wouldn't the world be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes?

I don't know if people really care about my opinion on things or how I come up with things, and maybe that's an insecurity and why we're comedians in the first place, so I think with that you keep doing the material, you keep trying to be funny cause you think that's all you're wanted for.

People are writing shorter jokes. The style I've started with was almost trying to keep jokes under 140 characters before Twitter.