When people talk to me about the weather, I always feel they mean something else.

Philanthropy [has become] simply the refuge of people who wish to annoy their fellow creatures.

When I am in trouble, eating is the only thing that consoles me. Indeed, as any one who knows me intimately will tell you, I refuse everything except food and drink. At the present moment I am eating muffins because I am unhappy. Besides, I am particularly fond of muffins.

The best one can say of modern creative art is that it is just a little less vulgar than reality.

They get up early, because they have so much to do, and go to bed early, because they have so little to think about.

The ability of the theist to misunderstand a thing is directly proportional to the obviousness of the thing.

Truth is independent of facts always.