The only thing worse than quoting me, is not quoting me

Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.

You have always told me it was Ernest. I have introduced you to every one as Ernest. You answer to the name of Ernest. You look as if your name was Ernest. You are the most earnest-looking person I ever saw in my life. It is perfectly absurd your saying that your name isn't Ernest.

I can resist everything except temptation.

If you are going to tell people the truth, you had better make them laugh or they will kill you.

Good heavens, I suppose a man may eat his own muffins in his own garden." "But you have just said it was perfectly heartless to eat muffins!" "I said it was perfectly heartless of YOU under the circumstances. That is a very different thing." "That may be, but the muffins are the same!

The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him.