I've been dictating to my son, who's helping me on his computer. I'm spending a lot of time doing research - I've just got up to 1971, when I went crazy and dived through the window. My life is so full of interesting stories.

My son Jack once said to me, 'Dad, do you think people are laughing with you or at you?' And I said, 'I don't care as long as they're laughing.'

Tell me I'm a sinner I got news for you I spoke to God this morning and he don't like you! Don't you try and teach me no original sin; I don't need your pity for the shape I'm in

International rock star - gravy maker extraordinaire.

I was curious, given the swimming pools of booze I’ve guzzled over the years - not to mention all of the cocaine, morphine, sleeping pills, cough syrup, LSD, Rohypnol… there’s really no plausible medical reason why I should still be alive. Maybe my DNA could say why.

Weather in Afghanistan, 2000 degrees and cloudy. What the f-ck am I doing? I'm stuck on the weather channel. AHHH!

I open the door for old ladies, I help old ladies across the road. I do a show for leukemia every year, but I don't broadcast that because it's against my image.