...there occurred to me the simple epitaph which, when I am no more, I intend to have inscribed on my tombstone. It was this: "He was a man who acted from the best motives. There is one born every minute.

In all crises of human affairs there are two broad courses open to a man. He can stay where he is or he can go elsewhere.

So always look for the silver lining And try to find the sunny side of life.

No novelists any good except me. Sovietski -- yah! Nastikoff -- bah! I spit me of zem all. No novelists anywhere any good except me. P. G. Wodehouse and Tolstoi not bad. Not good, but not bad. No novelists any good except me.

the supply of the milk of human kindness was short by several gallons

Well, you certainly are the most wonderfully woolly baa-lamb that ever stepped.

The ideas of debtor and creditor as to what constitutes a good time never coincide.