I had really not been out of the United States much, except for Mexico. I thought, "Jesus Christ, this [Russia] is like a whole new world." Instead of writing Michael Jackson one-glove jokes, all I had to do was go to these weird places and keep my eyes and ears open.

There's such a self-conscious balance that goes into television. Also, these are not people that think things through.

I've decided that my motto in life is "Get off my lawn." It's the right answer to everything.

Good manners consist of doing precisely what everyone thinks should be done, especially when no one knows quite what that is.

Those who do not know history are probably also not doing well in English or math. P.J. O'Rourke

With the war in Iraq, I had the cooperation of the Department of Defense. Kuwait was pretty eager to get American journalists in there, to show us what a wonderful place they are, and what great allies they are to America, even though they didn't actually fight in the war.

When you think of the good old days, think one word: dentistry.