Some people are better imagined in one's bed than found there in the morning.

The Arab peoples possess an ancient and highly developed civilization that is in many ways more sophisticated than our own. For instance, they invented algebra. And this is why we have to go to war with Saddam Hussein this minute and bomb the shish kebab out of him before he invents trig and chemistry and the whole of America flunks high school.

Masochists are people that have pleasure confused with pain. In a world that has television confused with entertainment, doritoes confused with food, and Dan Quayle confused with a national political leader, masochists are clearly less mixed-up than the rest of us.

I've been a New Yorker for ten years, and the only people who are nice to us turn out to be Moonies.

I was managing editor for a while [in National Lampoon ], and it does cause business problems when your circulation goes up.

I rarely meet a politician that I don't like personally. They are generally well endowed with charm. Therein lies the danger.

In the past a man was expected to give his seat on a bus to a woman. Today it would be much more courteous for that man to give her his job.