There are just two rules of governance in a free society: Mind your own business. Keep your hands to yourself.

Government conspiracy? They can't even deliver our mail and it's got our address on it and everything!

Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.

Farm policy, although it's complex, can be explained. What it can't be is believed. No cheating spouse, no teen with a wrecked family car, no mayor of Washington, D.C., videotaped in flagrante delicto has ever come up with anything as farfetched as U.S. farm policy.

If we're going to improve the environment, the first thing we should do is duck the government. The second thing we should do is quit being moral. Screw the rights of nature. Nature will have rights as soon as it get duties. The minute we see birds, trees, bugs, and squirrels picking up litter, giving money to charity, and keeping an eye on our kids at the park, we'll let them vote.

Only one way to cover a story like this, and make that a double, bartender, please.

Satire doesn't effect change.