It's much better to have your arguments dismissed because you might be joking than to have your arguments dismissed because you're not telling the truth.

Wherever there's injustice, oppression, and suffering, America will show up six months late and bomb the country next to where it's happening.

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

It is very hard now to shock people into thinking about government regulation and the extent of government involvement in life.

Detroits industrial ruins are picturesque, like crumbling Rome in an 18th-century etching.

I am a journalist and, under the modern journalist's code of Olympian objectivity (and total purity of motive), I am absolved of responsibility. We journalists don't have to step on roaches. All we have to do is turn on the kitchen light and watch the critters scurry.

The only really good vegetable is Tabasco sauce. Put Tabasco sauce in everything. Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin. The next best vegetable is the jalapeno pepper. It has the virtue of turning salads into practical jokes.