It's much better to have your arguments dismissed because you might be joking than to have your arguments dismissed because you're not telling the truth.

Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin.

It's better to spend money like there's no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there's no money.

Government isn't a good way to solve problems ... [G]overnment is concerned mostly with self-perpetuation and is subject to fantastic ideas about its own capabilities. ... [G]overnment is wasteful of the nation's resources, immune to common sense and subject to pressure from every half-organized bouquet of assholes. ... [G]overnment is distrustful of and disrespectful toward average Americans while being easily gulled by Americans with money, influence or fame.

A dugout is much superior to a conventional manufactured canoe because you can get soaking wet without bothering to capsize it.

The whole idea of our government is this: If enough people get together and act in concert, they can take something and not pay for it.

Maybe a vague president and an incompetent and somewhat corrupt administration is what the nation needs.