One nice thing about the Third World, you don't have to fasten your seat belt. (Or stop smoking. Or cut down on saturated fats.) It takes a lot off your mind when average life expectancy is forty-five minutes.

I'll be 56 this year, I've got two kids, and I think it's probably time to go back to writing one-glove jokes.

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.

Smoking crack is a way for people who couldn't afford college to study the works of Charles Darwin.

Everything that's fun in life is dangerous. Horse races, for instance, are very dangerous. But attempt to design a safe horse and the result is a cow ... It is impossible to be alive and safe.

A woman should dress to attract attention. To attract the most attention, a woman should be either nude, or wearing something as expensive as getting her nude is going to be.

The average IQ in America is—and this can be proven mathematically—average.