Cats are to dogs what modern people are to the people we used to have. Cats are slimmer, cleaner, more attractive, disloyal, and lazy. It's easy to understand why the cat has eclipsed the dog as modern America's favorite poet. People like poets to possess the same qualities they do.

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.

The motorcycle is a device created by the team of God and Darwin to rid the world of useless young males.

Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.

Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.

The average IQ in America is—and this can be proven mathematically—average.

Government conspiracy? They can't even deliver our mail and it's got our address on it and everything!