I like to do my principal research in bars, where people are more likely to tell the truth or, at least, lie less convincingly than they do in briefings and books.

I don't watch much television. Yeah, that's pretty funny. I don't know where The Daily Show stand politically, do you?

[ I'm] humorist, I guess. Or really more of a reporter. A reporter who reports on funny things.

I realised the bohemian life was not for me. I would look around at my friends, living like starving artists, and wonder, 'Where's the art?' They weren't doing anything. And there was so much interesting stuff to do, so much fun to be had... maybe I could even quit renting.

Cats are to dogs what modern people are to the people we used to have. Cats are slimmer, cleaner, more attractive, disloyal, and lazy. It's easy to understand why the cat has eclipsed the dog as modern America's favorite poet. People like poets to possess the same qualities they do.

Distracting a politician from governing is like distracting a bear from eating your baby.

Veal is a very young beef and, like a very young girlfriend, it's cute but boring and expensive.