The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.

In the Third World, honk your horn only under the following circumstances: 1. When anything blocks the road. 2. When anything doesn't. 3. When anything might. 4. At red lights. 5. At green lights. 6. At all other times.

We had a choice between Democrats who couldn't learn from the past and Republicans who couldn't stop living in it.

You can keep the dining room clean by eating in the kitchen.

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.

The Italians have had 2,000 years to fix up the Forum and just look at the place!

I arrived in the middle of a press conference - as boring a thing to sit through if you don't know the language as it is if you do.