The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.

If I bring anything to the table, it's the fact that not everybody realizes they're funny. So I just point a finger.

If I give up drinking, smoking, and fatty foods, I can add ten years to my life. Trouble is, I'll add it to the wrong end.

Although computer-generated artificial intelligence eludes us, artificial stupidity has been perfected.

Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.

Nobody likes insurance companies, especially health insurance companies.

One of the reporters must have flunked journalism school because he asked a question that went straight to the point.