If the victories we create in our heads were let loose on reality, the world we know would drown in blazing happiness.

I mean, the death in the late eighties and early nineties really shook out a lot of hacks. The pond just sort of dried up for a lot of really bad comedians.

As unhealthy as I am, I'm weirdly aware of exactly how my body functions.

The Kentucky Fried Chicken corporation made a bobble head of me and sent it to my management. No card, nothing.

Lot of ugly funny dudes end up with some pretty gorgeous women. Women are much deeper than us in choosing a mate - they see in the long term.

I've gotten very cynical and kind of anhedonic about all the things I have to do to get to do comedy: all the travel, hotels, and airports.

Growing up there are always those kids who are only happy when they are making someone else upset. That is unfortunately just how some people are. Some people are just born with bad wiring.