My favourite riposte to a heckle is to say, 'Excuse me, I'm trying to work here. How would you like it if I stood yelling down the alley while you're giving blow jobs to transsexuals?'

Am I allowed to call myself working-class now? Because obviously I'm now very rich.

I don't always vote in general elections, but I think I've always voted Labour.

Have you ever had sex with a horse?

I've never been disappointed by politicians. I've never invested that much in them in the first place.

All disc jockeys are without talent. Noel Edmonds - I can't stand Noel Edmonds.

If you stay in a house and you go to the bathroom and there is no toilet paper, you can always slide down the banisters. Don't tell me you haven't done it.