If you stay in a house and you go to the bathroom and there is no toilet paper, you can always slide down the banisters. Don't tell me you haven't done it.

All disc jockeys are without talent. Noel Edmonds - I can't stand Noel Edmonds.

I don't always vote in general elections, but I think I've always voted Labour.

I remember being fascinated by the very nature of comedy from the age of 10; why is this funny, and that isn't?

I really don't take any interest at all in contemporary comedy.

My favourite riposte to a heckle is to say, 'Excuse me, I'm trying to work here. How would you like it if I stood yelling down the alley while you're giving blow jobs to transsexuals?'

When I used to do the Edinburgh Festival, there was a bunch of guys selling fresh oysters and I'd eat ten daily - marvellous.