I hate bananas. I just hate them. But I also think a banana suit is the funniest fruit costume a person can wear.

It’s like someone who prays every night saying God’s a good listener. Just because you’re talking to us doesn’t mean we’re listening. With me and God, you never really know.

There comes a time in every man's life when he wakes up drunk on the toilet and begins to doubt the choices he has made. and when that time comes at least twice a day, every day. something needs to be done.

Cowardice, when done correctly, can be its own kind of bravery.

But really it’s condescending and patronizing not to make fun of someone because they’re old or stupid or crippled or morbidly obese. Banged up people don’t want your pity. They just want to be treated like everyone else. Mockery, when done without prejudice or discretion, can be a form of respect. It’s the closest we’ll ever come to true equality.

I hate bananas. I just hate them. But I also think a banana suit is the funniest fruit costume a person can wear.

If stealing a few saltshakers was wrong I didn't want to be right.