Admit it. I'm the best you ever seen, Fats. I'm the best there is. And even if you beat me, I'm still the best.

It's like chasing a beautiful woman for 80 years. Finally, she relents and you say, 'I'm terribly sorry. I'm tired.'

It's born of sheer laziness. My signature dishes are salads, hamburgers and popcorn. That's not the kind of stuff that gets you an entry in the distinguished book of culinary records. Being known for great soufflé is one thing but a good hamburger? What would they say? "Yeah, he really knew how to put the cheese on."

So I've worked really hard, because nothing ever came easily to me.

How many honest men do you know? Take the sinners away from the saints, you're lucky to end up with Abraham Lincoln.

You can't be as old as I am without waking up with a surprised look on your face every morning: 'Holy Christ, whaddya know - I'm still around!' It's absolutely amazing that I survived all the booze and smoking and the cars and the career.

The embarrassing thing is that my salad dressing is out-grossing my films.