Happiness is the quiet lull between problems.

Marriage is just an elaborate game that allows two selfish people to periodically feel that they're not.

New parents always sound like hucksters in a pyramid scheme. Anyone who has kids and then gets you to go and have kids gets a check from Huckster Headquarters.

I'm not smart enough to write about something that didn't actually happen to me. But I couldn't write a space movie if you put a gun to my head.

Every time I see Peter Falk in the movie I think that would be great. We'd be fun together

When you realize you would consider not having a child just so you could take an occasional snooze and be available to see Batman Retires the same weekend it comes out, you have to take a good hard look at yourself and acknowledge, I am a shallow, shallow person.

The most used appliance in our house is my 10-year-old son Leon's Xbox.