I always loved comedy, but I never knew it was something you could learn to do. I always thought that some people are born comedians ... just like some people are born dentists.

Parents often give middle names just so that later, when they're yelling at the kid, they can drag it out. Henry David Thoreau, you come in here this instant!

The jewel in the baby product crown is the stroller. And if in America you are what you drive, then in Parentland, you are what you push.

They don't see that whole pattern. Worm/death. Worm/death. I would catch on.

I used to walk into a party and scan the room for attractive women. Now I look for women to hold my baby so I can eat potato salad sitting down.

The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.

Nothing would make me happier if Peter Falk would finally win his Oscar for this. Not just as the writer but as a fan and a friend. It would be so great