Everybody hates me because I'm so universally liked.

We know the human brain is a device to keep the ears from grating on one another.

I am not impressed by the Ivy League establishments. Of course they graduate the best -- it's all they'll take, leaving to others the problem of educating the country. They will give you an education the way the banks will give you money -- provided you can prove to their satisfaction that you don't need it.

The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds - they mature slowly.

The satirist shoots to kill while the humorist brings his prey back alive and eventually releases him again for another chance.

Life is a crowded superhighway with bewildering cloverleaf exits on which a man is liable to find himself speeding back in the direction he came.

Do you believe in astrology? -I don't even believe in astronomy.