Time heals nothing — which should make us the better able to minister.

... it is a fact universally acknowledged that a husband is the most ridiculous thing on earth, except for a bachelor.

Sex in marriage is like medicine. Three times a day for the first week. Then once a day for another week. Then once every three or four days till the condition clears up.

Rather than waste precious time arguing, I went up and started serving my "sentence" without delay. It was usually about an hour for epigrams; somewhat longer for a paradox.

The tuba is certainly the most intestinal of instruments, the very lower bowel of music.

We are not primarily put on this earth to see through one another, but to see one another through.

If there's anything I hate it's the word humorist-I feel like countering with the word seriousist.