A wedding invitation is a gift subpoena.

[Joe] Biden countered. He was speaking at a summit for working families, and he said he had no stocks, no bonds, or a savings account. He then asked a Secret Service agent to hand him his hobo bindle, and he jumped a freight train back to D.C.

There's a common saying that everybody deep at heart loves their mother, except sometimes we decide our actual mothers don't measure up. And so we look for a replacement.

Look out sinners because if you do not go to confession, confession will come to you. The Catholic Church in northern England has launched a mobile confession unit called the Mercy Bus.

We know that the president [Donald Trump] watches "Saturday Night Live" because he tweets about it. He doesn't like it, but he keeps watching it.

Ben & Jerry's ice cream will try to make some marijuana ice cream, resulting in thousands of people simultaneously getting and curing ice cream headaches.

With two years till the nomination, both [Joe] Biden and [Hillary] Clinton are positioning themselves to be the Democratic nominee. And are they stressing their experience, their ideas, their excellent hair? No. They've been talking about their poverty.