Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at which the hearer is permitted to laugh.

People are not heterosexual or homosexual, just sexual.

I would never go to a place and live there because the weather was good or the scenery was beautiful or the architecture was wonderful. I would only go because the people are kind, and in America, everybody's your friend and happiness rains down from the sky.

The Americans, of course, are quite dotty with hospitality.

It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give enough.

I approach my life with logic. I do not act on impulse or emotion. I very seldom find that I say, 'And then I can't think what came over me, but I did this or that or the other.' I nearly always know how I will act and I nearly always act in that way. I don't catch myself out in embarrassing situations because I've acted without forethought. I calculate what I will do.

What better proof of love can there be than money? A ten-shilling note shows incontrovertibly just how mad about you a man is.