Quentin Crisp (to handsome young man on the street): "What's the matter, sexy? Don't you like dehydrated fruit?

Most men when they make up their faces, the makeup stands forward, and their faces are behind.

Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave.

The continued propinquity of another human being cramps the style after a time unless that person is somebody you think you love. Then the burden becomes intolerable at once.

All this cut-price transcendentalism does not prevent California from being a startlingly physical state. This becomes most obvious where Los Angeles saunters down to the sea. The region is called Venice.

It's written into the Constitution that you're allowed to pursue happiness. In England it would be considered a frivolous objective.

When asked, 'Shall I tell my mother I'm gay?', I reply, 'Never tell your mother anything.