I simply haven't the nerve to imagine a being, a force, a cause which keeps the planets revolving in their orbits and then suddenly stops in order to give me a bicycle with three speeds.

Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave.

I now realize that education is a last wild effort on the part of the authorities to prevent an overdose of leisure from driving the world mad. Learning is no longer an improver; it is merely the most expensive time-filler the world has ever known.

It is not the simple statement of facts that ushers in freedom; it is the constant repetition of them that has this liberating effect. Tolerance is the result not of enlightenment, but of boredom.

In Manhattan, when you're out of the front door, you're on, and you have to be ready to smile and speak to people.

Every day someone notices me and waves to me, or stops and speaks to me, or asks me for an autograph, or photographs me.

An autobiography is an obituary in serial form with the last installment missing.